Perfectionism and Precocious Children
by Paula Prober M.S., M.Ed.

Virginia, 9, procrastinates. Homework, chores, and piano practice are all put off until the last possible moment. She says that she works better under pressure but she is secretly terrified of failure. Virginia figures that she has an excuse for a poor performance if she doesn’t have enough time. Her parents try to build her self-esteem by praising her achievements but Virginia gets the message that she is loved for her accomplishments and not for her self.

Jane, 17, sets very high standards. She will spend hours on school projects writing and rewriting. Her mother knows that one of Jane’s earlier drafts would have received an “A” but Jane is not working for the grade. She is motivated by an inner force that has high ideals and will not compromise. Projects are often turned in late and Jane’s mother is exhausted.

Wesley, 5, organizes things. Shoes and clothes are meticulously lined up in his closet and books are arranged on shelves alphabetically. Wesley notices subtle colors, textures, smells, and sounds and is easily upset when something in his environment is out of balance or changed. His parents think he is developing an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Roger, 13, is moved to tears when he listens to Mozart. Van Gogh and Emily Dickinson are among the people he admires and he is often touched by the beauty in nature. Roger is disturbed by the unethical behavior of his peers and by his reluctance to speak out. His father remembers his own childhood and how he was teased unmercifully for his sensitivities and he fears his son will also experience this type of rejection.

These are some of the faces of perfectionism in gifted youngsters. These “faces” are often complex and misunderstood. They can be organized into two categories. The first category I call extrinsic—the belief that whatever you do is never good enough, the fear of failure, extreme anxiety over making a mistake. You don’t have to be precocious to experience it. Many unhealthy patterns in families can contribute to this, including parents modeling perfectionism themselves. The gifted child may be more susceptible, though, if parents repeatedly respond over-enthusiastically to achievements, as in Virginia’s case. With the frequent focus on performance, Virginia is attaching her identity to her achievements so that if she makes a mistake, she feels worthless. Left unaddressed, it can lead to eating disorders, severe depression, and other serious problems.

Jane, Wesley, and Roger are all exhibiting intrinsic perfectionism, a quality that is unique to the gifted. It’s an inner drive for beauty, balance, harmony, precision, and justice that is innate. These children have high expectations and ideals and advanced levels of moral development and can be inaccurately seen as obsessive-compulsive, immature, too sensitive, or hypercritical.

When perfectionism is understood by parents and explained to children, families often feel relief and greater self-acceptance. The intrinsic perfectionism is a positive quality even though it may create challenges for your child when relating to others. For extrinsic perfectionism, the following strategies are useful:

- Watch how you respond to your child’s achievements. Support traits and behaviors such as passion for learning, trying new things, sensitivity, humor. Emphasize process instead of product.

- Give your child specific feedback. Rather than a general statement such as “great job” or “you’re such a good girl,” say, “I noticed that you used many bright colors in your painting” or “I see how you are being kind to those children.” These statements have more meaning.

- Help your child break large projects down into small steps.

- Read biographies of gifted people who have had to struggle and experience failure. Use Halsted’s Some of My Best Friends are Books.

- Talk with your child about pressure and expectations. When does he feel pressure from you? When does he place it on himself? Listen closely to what he says. Explain that giftedness does not mean that he gets everything right. Read Galbraith’s Gifted Kids Survival Guide.

- Talk about your own mistakes and how you learn from them. Be honest about your own perfectionism and start trying to do things you’ve avoided in the past for fear of embarrassment or failure. If your perfectionism is entrenched, seek professional help.

- In journals, have everyone write conversations with their inner critics to learn more about what the critics want/need. Start a journal writing tradition in your family.

Perfectionism is complicated. It will take time to examine and understand all of its faces but with determination and patience you can change the patterns that are painful and embrace the traits that make your child his or her glorious self.